STARTING OVER

The river of agony

2011-05-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

Its so easy to write when one is depressed. I wonder if that is the reason sylvia plath killed herself. Why many others follow the same path. Perhaps, they realize that there is no truth anymore once the darkness goes away. Perhaps, they find out that once the illness is "cured", that the creativity is gone. And if that is the case, then what is the point of going on? Once that magic is gone, you have nothing else, or so, you think. One cannot live with uncertainty. The need for that magic. That special feeling. A feeling that only is felt in the dark shadows of death.

2011-05-09T20:44:00.003-07:00

(2/2) Because defending in most cases. Is the best strategy. Or sometimes you can pray.

2011-05-09T20:44:00.001-07:00

(1/2) Sometimes in life you think ya have all figured out. Then youre thrown a curve. You do what comes to mind. Defend. And hope its good enough to win.

With Love...brings death..

2011-05-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

I once knew you. Yeah, I remember you, use to be so lively. No matter the time or day, if it was hectic, you would always be there to lend a hand. You showed up with enthusiasm everyday. With a smile on your face ready to go. Then one day, that smile was gone. You stopped caring, lost interest, forgot the people you oh so, enjoyed to help. You started to look down at all your givings. You started to want more. You said, "if I can't get them now, then I'll never get them". We never knew what you meant. You never cared to explain. Just went on your way. Never said goodbye. Never gave a reason. How we miss you at the time, wondering if you would ever change and come back and be the person we loved. But you never did. Years later, you showed up again, wondering if anyone remembered. You asked around. They all said. No. You were left with confusion as to why noone cared. We said at the time, "it is how you left us, you should know why". But, yet you shook your head and made that sly laugh of yours. And then you were on your way. Again. We wondered why you even bothered to come back? A few months past, and we showed up at your funeral. We didn't have tears of lost. We showed up out of respect. Then we found out why you left, and came back. We had so much love for you the first time, and now, that love came back again. The tears started to flow from our eyes. We were shocked at the stories that were told to us that day. How could anyone keep such a secret for so long? Why couldn't you tell us? We would've understand. We would've held you tight that day, and never let you go. But, I guess, that is the way you wanted it to end. As we found out. Never much for the spotlight. We love you, and thankyou for all that you've done. Goodbye dear friend. Always be in our hearts.

2011-05-09T13:52:00.001-07:00

Isn't that the breaks. so much for going off the deep end. kids.

Just keep walking

2011-05-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

Just keep walking. Don't stop. Have you ever wondered? If you just kept walking and never stopped. Eventually the echo of the sound will go away. One can only go so far until they fall into that deep end and drown. Just keep walking, don't stop. Ssshhh..do you hear? Silence. Ah, its so beautiful now. I knew it would be.

work work work...to the bone.

2011-03-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

Getting noticed for the things you do, is very tricky. Sure we all want to have success and we believe in our abilities. Though sometimes our abilities, or what we think we have, are for not. Sometimes, others don't really see our qualities. Sometimes, others see what they want to see. That is not to be bad for ourselves. We cannot look at it like a poor disadvantage, or lack of work skills. But rather a poor excuse of wanting someone else that is far less threatening to themselves. So we should continue the "good fight", continue the great work ethic that we've demonstrated. And know that one day, it will be what we want it to be. Continue the good cheer, and encouragement for others. Continue to be the good team player. Continue to be the good little worker, that can do. And it will not go unnoticed. Well, so they say.

Lifes journey is all but a farce

2010-05-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

May is upon us now. Still no change in the air. So many lives. Off in their own routes. While the brave can fight and live on, the cowards are the ones that continue to live through other's lives. Not knowing where to go next is the hardest course. Do you stay within yourself and believe? Or do you risk it all....and live.

________, its right before your eyes!

2010-05-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

Oh know! Don't say that! Its not the way to go. Don't you know? Its over there! Above the hills, just to the right, can't you see? Ah, yes you can. I know you can. Try it. Keep looking it. Its there. Trust me. Can you see it? Can you see it shining? Can you see the brightness now? I can see it. I wonder why?

2010-05-10T16:14:00.001-07:00

So you think you're wise silly ol kitty. Hiding under that couch ready to pounch on me like I'm your prey. I'm on to your games.

2010-05-10T14:47:00.001-07:00

Here I sit pondering over past failings. Wondering if I'll ever learn.

vacation

2010-05-09T15:51:00.001-07:00

Vacation? What exactly is a vacation? And what does one do on a vacation? Where does one go on a vacation?

Happy Feline Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day! Though I'm not a mother..never will be at the rate I'm going. Unless, one consider felines to be a mother of..I guess, that is the only thing I have to look forward to. Okay, I am a mother...Damn, my feline babies didn't give me anything for mother's day...Ah, wait a sec, Luna gave me something. Vomit. Yep, that she did. It was a lovely way of expressing her love for me. Ah the fresh smell of vomit, and a front row seat to it. From the window she was, down the wall it came...Happy Feline Mother's Day to ya, Bitch!

Its my secret, and I'll tell you if I want to

2010-05-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

sssshhhh. Its a secret. Don't tell anyone. There really hasn't been the right time to divulge the information. I have wanted to share but, well, you know the deal. Things just pop up, and the story never goes. Keep 'em wondering. Keep 'em guessing. Like I care. Thats the answer they always say. I laugh at them. They so desperately want to know all the juicy details. And yet, I hold them at bay. (By the way jason bay sucks). Did you see them the other day, they tried to sneak a peak, but I just stared at them...Haha, such little fools they are. Its kind of fun in a way, to see them with their ears press to the "walls". Its a secret. Never going to tell. SSssshhh, come a little closer, maybe I'll tell 'ya this time.Haha.

just one for the road....I promise

2010-05-03T07:17:00.000-07:00

Now its raining...cars in the shop. Nowhere to go. Aha, this is a wonderful time to get things going. Yep, we'll give it a shot...Shot? Hmmm, thats a good idea. Perhaps I'll have just one to start me going.....to be continued.

I think I'll have another thankyou

2010-05-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, Goodness gracious. Another off day. Another day wasted. So many things to get done. And yet I sit on my ass writing that I'm such a lazy ass. Hmmm, could that be the reason, I'm in the position I'm in? Ofcourse not. I'm in this stupid world, because of someone else. I'm here at this very moment wondering if the person has ever thought of me. Has ever wondered if I cared for them. If this person ever really wanted anything to do with me. Ah yeah, I think I'm seeing the light. But I'm so down in the shallow liquers that I'm must continue to dwell on them. I sure wish this hypnotize stuff works. I'd make this shit disappear so fast. Oops, gots to go, someone just bought me another shot.

Hypnotize me. Go ahead I dare you to try.

2010-05-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

Today, I downloaded a hypnotic mp3. For relaxing and stuff. I fell asleep. So I guess it worked, huh? Hey, I love those stuff. I love self help do-it-yourself stuff. So far, it hasn't done much for me. But they seem to be rather interesting. Perhaps, I haven't found the right one. Perhaps it shows I ain't ready to surrender.

2010-04-27T12:34:00.001-07:00

Today is calm. Suicide will have to wait another day.

Cats vs birds

2010-04-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

There is magic in the air. Ah, yes there is. Can't you feel it? No? Here let me show you. Sit with your favorite feline friend, and watch those annoying birds. Ha! Yes, together you both can visualize capturing one, and torturing the poor soul. Now relax bird lovers don't you hate. Its only part of nature, can't you see? I'm only having fun with my furry little one. Let the cats have their castle's with flowers in the garden. I ofcourse, will take care of those wing creatures. They do provide a use. They chirp away with such melodies, with aerobic flying of ease. Lets not forget those presents they drop from above, to fall wherever maybe. I will give them their perches and a nest for them too. I'll feed them sweets along with their seeds. Ah, yes see. I do love them too. Lets not forget a bowl of water to bathe in ofcourse. Oh Lord, no-no. I won't forget that.

Survivors no more

2010-04-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

April has come and gone without a thought. There is still lack of emotion on either side. Noone wants to give in. They all have their ideas to save the world. Atleast, they try. Some just sit idle waiting for the cancer to strike. In the end, does it really matter? Is this really a life after death? Some are left with bewilderment at others conceptions of things. They wonder to themselves and to others. If only they knew the horror from within. The anguish that exists in the mind. The strangle hold of depression. There is noway out. Only darkness falls beneath us. Yes, they have doctors, and pills..But for how long? Yes there might be support. But why? Has this gone on for too long? In reality it should've ended years before. Though, the hero wanted to hang in there, for one last battle. Now it seems the battle is coming to an end. There seems to be no more fight to give. No more energy to produce. Was there ever any to begin with? Perhaps the hero was just afraid.

why

2010-04-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

We are survivors

2010-04-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

The month of December is almost near. The year will be over. A new beginning to endless encounters. Or is it just the end? For over one-hundred years, a good thing. Will it continue and thrive again into the new year? What will become of the soul survivors? Many have already lined up other happenings. Some have no future. It is really sad when you think about it. Trying to keep faith is just too hard to do. Especially, when its not in your hands. Maybe its time to just say goodbye. No one really knows the truth, and if they do, are they really telling? Perhaps they just save it for themselves, is what the story that goes around. Can you really blame them? Its a war out there, where no one cares about anyone except themselves. Oh, I suppose they might shed a tear, feelings. They will give a little to show, that they are somewhat human, but not enough to think that you are worthy of anything. It is they that have complete control. And they know it. And they like it that way. But for how long will they have it? How long can they survive with the guilt? The guilt that knowing thousands were put on the street. That they put there. Eventually, things turn around. Are they strong enough to survive an attack? Are they stong enough? They need to get to the bottom to truely understand the makings. To understand the history. To understand Life. To understand Death. They need to be loved just as equal as the rest of us. Because it is they that have the toughest job of them all.

Time holds no________

2010-04-16T07:04:00.001-07:00

Is it time yet? When will I know? Sitting and looking out in space those are questions to ponder.

Alex finds himself alone

2010-04-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

Wandering aimlessly through the lot, Alex ponders alot in his mind. Feeling dazed and confused, about lifes misfortunes. Finding love, losing love.

Bedroom

2010-03-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Beatrice follows Ben into bedroom, walks past him. He is expecting a confrontation. She sits down on her side of the bed and takes out her diary by the night table. With a frustrated look Ben throws up his hands, "why must you always take that thing out when are in the middle of an argument?" Beatrice without looking up," certainly can't talk to you".

Kitchen

2010-02-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

Beatrice walks into kitchen opens refrigerator and sees the meatloaf still on a plate, earlier in the evening. "Why didn't you eat dear?". As Ben is tossing through her book bag, "..wasn't hungry," mumbling. "What's this?" As he takes out one of her note pads, and sees a number with Alex's name. "That's the young man I was trying to tell you about when I first came in. He's going to tutor me". As she stands there smiling, Ben looks her up and down, then replies, "tutor what?". "Oh, Benjamin, please!" She takes out the plate and heats it up in microwave. Ben gives up, and walks out of kitchen. As the ding of the microwave goes off, on cue, Ben reappears. "This class. What exactly you getting out of it?". Beatrice sitting down eating the meatloaf, has a exasperated look. "Its a psychology class dear, just starting. Perhaps, it will give me more insight into strange behaviors form people".

My Tears

2010-02-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

I run from Things that Aren't there

2010-02-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

Old Man River

2010-02-01T14:02:00.000-08:00

Tears to Say

2010-02-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

Where have All the Angels gone?

2010-02-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Farewell to Thyself

2010-02-01T13:30:00.000-08:00

Living room, evening

2010-01-31T11:25:00.000-08:00

Ben, seated in his comfy cozer on sofa, with old movies on the tube, falling asleep. Beatrice walks in all drawn out from the day. She drops her books on the kitchen table, and greets her husband. "Hi honey", as she bends to give him a kiss. "It was such an exhausting day today. I had trouble finding a building and I met..", Ben cuts her off rather abrutly. "I didn't have dinner tonight". Beatrice looks with a confusing look. "Why not?". Ben with a slight agitation in his voice, "I wasn't in the mood for meatloaf".

College Campus

2010-01-31T09:47:00.000-08:00

Beatrice, a 54 year old grandmother of three searches for a building. She looks at paper in her hand trying to control the page with a slight breeze in the air. A student bumps into her knocks papers from her. "Excuse me", Beatrice replies in a corrective tone. Student doesn't stop to help her or listen. With a frown on her face, she shrugs and sighs. Then she hears a quiet whisper from behind. "May I help you"? She turns and looks, seeing a distinguished young man. His black hair is parted to one side, with a few strands limped on the other side. He wears glasses, with a fine tint to them. "Oh, yes God bless you young man". As he bends to help her gather her belongings, she asks him, "do you by any chance know where the Staller Center is"? " Uh, as a matter of fact I do, its where I'm going. You can walk with me". Beatrice in a very appreciative way, replies, "oh thank you, you saved me...my name is Beatrice, by the way." She extends her hand. " My name is Alex,", as he takes her hand. He is still holding her books, when she offers to take them back. Him in a gentleman way, declines.

Trying to figure it out

2010-01-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know why its taken me this long to go back to school. Its something I've always wanted to do for several years now. Though now I decide its time. The children are grown, a family of their own. My husband and I are both retired, seems like a good time. If only Ben were just a little bit understanding. Yes, I know he wants to spend more time with me. "These are the years we can never get back", he tells me everytime I come home after another class. Its an argument that never goes old. Its not like I'm taking full blown courses, only one class. "Only one turns into three". He was not much into math, my dear husband. Ben also was not the classy type. His idea of a romantic dinner, consisted meatloaf, corn and a bottle of Bud. He always throws this into our arguments. Thinking its the reason, I decided to go back to school. That I could eventually meet up with some college educated young man, that was going to swoop me off my feet. Trying to reason with my poor husband would prove fruitless labor.

I don't know

2009-12-29T12:45:00.000-08:00

Waking up early has never been easy for Beatrice, and today is no other day. Today she prepares for her father's funeral. It seems like it was just yesterday when he was walking her down the aisle. How time flies. Life was never easy growing up. But her parents always made sure she had everything a daughter could want.

What if?

2009-12-29T09:52:00.000-08:00

What happens when a woman decides that her life is not worth much? That all she has done seems like a waste. What happens when that woman decides to rediscover her lost self? What will her husband of forty some years think? What will her children? How does she react when she meets someone that helps her find herself? Is he really an Angel sent down to guide her through a turbelent time? Or is he just a follower? When he loses his faith, and cries to the heavens above. Does she go with him? Everyday there is someone out there that longs to know that age old question. What if? What if I married my first love? What if I went on that adventure around the world? What if I stayed in school? What if I followed my dreams? So many questions to be answered. So many decisions to be made. How do you know if you ever make the right decision? How does one know when they are really truely happy? Or is happiness just overrated? Well a woman named Beatrice decides to test those waters. She decides that its time to go back to school. That its time to rediscover her young, enthustic self. She hopes that along the way, she doesn't lose her many fortune's.